Dating....the very word used to strike fear into my mind.  Another awkward dinner conversation...usually with the guys eyes dropping to my chest every couple  of verbs or so. Another "fight or flight" moment while saying our goodbyes at the end of the evening.  It was much easier when I was young and carefree....when I started over in my 30's it was just plain disappointing.  I weeded through countless emails and texts from potential dates on Match.com and finally found my prince charming, but there were some bumps in the road along the way.  Flipping through the t.v. channels the other day I realized that there should be a show to prepare young girls for the long road ahead to dating and marriage. A lighthearted approach to teach the pros and the cons of a "single and looking" adulthood...ya know like Sesame Street....Sex-a-me Street?! (this is where the light bulb brightens atop my head) TA DAAA!
     There would be an assortment of characters spanning the vast majority of men that the women of today could expect to meet on their search for true love....

Groper...

The first guy you may meet is Groper....He seems like an ok guy.
Funny and energetic...life of the party, but get a few drinks in him an his hands take on a life of their own.  It starts with the "side hug"..with this he is testing the waters, just making sure you will allow some kind of affection and physical contact.  Then comes the full-frontal hug, once again testing..but this time for the firmness of the twins against his chest.  It is only a matter of time until the after date kiss turns into boob grabbing and mauling.  Later he will blame his behavior on alcohol and apologize profusely...but still the memory of him grabbing the mammies will be in the back of your mind...

Nookie Monster

     Next on our list is the guy that has one thing an one thing only on his mind....sex...let me introduce you to...The Nookie Monster.  This guy uses dating as a way to fulfill his carnal urges and desires.  The way that he sees it...guaranteed sex is a perfectly fine trade-off for a nice dinner and some dancing.  You will never have an empty wine glass with him around....ahh...alcohol...the best sexual lubricant ever invented! If you let this charmer make his way south of the border, don't expect a phone call the next day...or week...or month...or hell even for the rest of the year.  He is only after the prize in the pants and once he gets there..it is a notch on the bedpost..or facebook...and he is on with the next hunt!

Emo...

This guy is very much in touch with his feminine side....too much.  Sensitive and caring..cries at sad movies and pictures of puppies.  He can be your best friend...but probably not your lover, mainly because you do not have a penis.  This type of guy is looking for a girl he can have a long-term relationship with...but only because he has not yet realized that he is really gay.  Your dates may revolve around screenings of Glee...and the latest recipes of Martha Stewart.  He loves to shop and is always eager to follow you into the dressing room for a fashion show.  At first you may feel that he is refreshing compared to the other guys you have dated (see above), but sex is always going to be an uncomfortable situation for both of you.  So make him your BFF...enjoy the gourmet cuisine and late night chat fests....but give up on getting laid!

Big Turd

Big Turd is the typical man's man...frat boy...x-box gaming...lives at home with mommy...kind of guy.  His bravado screams masculine, but his career choice and residence say that he still has a lot of growing up to do.  He is looking for a mother figure, whether he realizes it or not.  Dates will involve...wings and beer...with buddies conveniently showing up...mostly because he has taken you to the local pub that has a flat-screen and coverage of tonight's big game..and of course he may forget his wallet in his other tracksuit..so you may be left paying for the carb loaded dinner.  A big kid in most respects he will not do well with intimate talks and intelligent conversation.  Always one for the defense..he will have a tactic or two to employ when he becomes uncomfortable with the way things are going..burping and farting are high on that list.

Hadenoughofus...

At last we come to the sad sack...Hadenoughofus...This poor schmuck has been dumped by more women than Charlie Sheen and he is holding a grudge.  Prehaps it is the ex-wife that takes all his money...or the paternity suit that did not play out well in his favor, but this guy has a sad story to tell anyone that will listen.  Your dinner will be cheap...due to alimony and back child support payments.  The conversation will steer around to his past heartbreak and trauma regardless of what the original conversation was about...politics?..you know who is really getting screwed by the man...HIM...by his ex-wife's medical bills for the breast implants he paid for right before she left him for that personal trainer....Religion?...With God as his witness, he will never love a woman that deeply again....Sex?...he has an STD thanks to the cheating spouse and her sex addiction!  Just don't go there!

I am sure there are more catagories out there...but like I said in the beginning...I found a good one and so I have dodged a bullet in the dating sense...so in conclusion...there are decent men out there...you just can't give up....good luck and happy hunting!

Simple and Practical Ways to Avoid Being Killed....this Halloween

October again....the leaves are changing...the air is cooler...and the kiddos are preparing for Halloween.  This is also the time of year when many broadcasting stations air scary movies in preparation for the upcoming holiday.  I was once a fan of such genre.  I would plaster the walls of my room with movie posters and magazine clippings...Freddy Kreuger....Jason Voorhies...Michael Meyers...I guess that age has hardened me to not be quite so terrified at the sight of a masked man lurching along slowly with arms outstretched....or prehaps it was my dating life that did it...or those drunken frat parties I attended...same difference...mask and all.  So...in honor of this month and the celebration of Samhain (sow-in) as it's origins are...I have come up with Simple Practical Ways to Avoid Being Killed...while camping...babysitting....making out....showering....and having sex.....Enjoy!

• 1.  Camping - There are many dangers in the woods...grizzly bears.....fall hazards...fire...drunken redneck hunters with poor eyesight....Man-bear-pig....Dick Cheney...It seems though, according to Hollywood anyway, that the greatest threat is a homicial maniac with a need to kill based on a less than perfect childhood and a lack of communication skills.  Imagine if you will, Hellen Keller with a machette.  I made a few notes about victims an survivors and believe that I have found a solution.  First of all...keep your running shoes and clothing handy at all times.  Most victims seem to run barefoot and half naked through dark woods...constantly losing their footing and ending up with an axe in their forehead.  Also take care as to keeping new batteries in your flashlight...you know...for that instance when you decide to go into that ominous looking cave to investigate that creepy noise.  Do not form attachments to your campmates.  So many victims end up dead by not wanting their boyfriend...bff....or sibling...to be left alone with the killer.  Drive a decent car to the campsite.  A Smart Car is not too smart if the damn battery dies while you are trying to escape the guy wielding the chainsaw.  The best advice for this situation is just to carry a weapon...when the crazy man shows up...shoot his ass and get back to your smores.....if he is some psuedo undead thing...then add him to the campfire after you shoot him...burn baby burn...also effective on zombies...but we are not discussing them right now.

• 2. Babysitting - The real danger here usually comes from the children themselves. But in Hollywood style, we must look at the dangers of a dark house and parents that did not invest in ADT Home Security.  Check the location of the home you are going to be "sitting" in.  Avoid houses on the outskirts of town with woods or open fields adjactent to the property.  Lock all the doors and windows. Check the closets while it is still daylight and make sure there is a phone available that is not a landline.  The parents my question your sanity at the very suggestion of you keeping a handgun on your person while sitting for their child, but assure them that this is for the safety of both the child and the boyfriend that you will allow to get to 2nd base with later in the evening.  Avoid ordering food that will leave you expecting a knock at the door.  Have a vehicle handy and just like in the woods...make sure the damn thing will crank!  If a vengeful maniac shows up...lock his ass in the house and drive the kid to the local police department.  Nuff said...

• 3. Showering - More people die every year from falls in the shower and electrocution than cross-dressing momma's boys...but still...here are some tips.  It is never a good idea to shower alone in some creepy run-down hotel in the middle of nowhere.  Use that emergency credit card and rent a room in a decent place.  It will not kill you to upgrade to at least a room at the Holiday Inn....but it might if you are a cheapo and stay at the Bate's Motel!....And for heaven's sake lady...PAY ATTENTION WHILE YOU SHOWER!!...how can you not hear the door open or notice someone in the room?  If all else fails...use the "buddy system".

• 4. Having Sex and/or Making Out - It goes without saying that privacy is key when a guy is trying to score with his amourous date.  The trouble comes in when his idea of "private" is a secluded wooded area or an abandoned house in a not so desireable neighborhood.  If you decide to use these locations for your "hook-up" please do not be a virgin.  Your chances of dying at the hand of a mad man triple if you have never had sex.  This may just be a way for early Hollywood to push the youth of our nation towards abstinance...but why risk it.  Multi-task...keep an eye on the surroundings while being blissfully engaged in your erotic moment.  A parked car is a favorite of the mentally deranged and sexually frustrated.   Make-out spots in the movie industry tend to be speckled with the blood of the "under the shirt over the bra" coupling.  Chose wisely...keep your hands at 2 and 10...and for christ's sake use the damn mirrors!

I hope that my advice helps....saves lives....or at the very least provides some amusement.  Now pop some kernels....turn off the lights...cozy up with that special... or readily available someone and take in a flick!  Just remember safety first!

Hold on to your butts...it's going to be a bumpy ride!

Life....it is a journey.  We all try to prepare for it the best way we can. I mean let's face it...we come into the world naked and helpless.  We look to our elders for advice and support and try to mold ourselves into who society expects us to be.  I think that may be the reason that we are so quick to judge others who are not like ourselves. They simply chose a different model from which to mold by.  We are all on this spinning orb together, trying to make the most of it.  We are all basically one choice away from being that guy at the bus stop that argues with a spot on the sidewalk in a language all his own.  Maybe in his world he is completely normal, and in turn, we are the odd ones that lack the sidewalk friend.  I am somewhere in the middle.  I am sure that my eccentric nature could be considerably improved with proper medication, but would that make me less interesting?  Of course it would.  I have dated enough of the so-called "normal" people in this world to know that "normal" is overrated.  Give me the guy that can find humor in everyday life and I will show you a man suited to never judge you as you stand naked brushing your teeth in his bathroom at 6am.  Laugh while you can..it can lower blood pressure and make you live longer.  I doubt that any of us will post on our tombstone, "Hey I wish I had been more cynical"...I would prefer that mine say something like.."I told you I was sick".  I want my funeral to be more of a recap of the crazy things that I did while I was alive.  I want people to stand around talking about memories of days past and ways that I made them laugh.  That is my goal, my purpose.  I may not leave behind an attractive corpse.  But I will be remembered as someone that people enjoyed having around.