October again....the leaves are changing...the air is cooler...and the kiddos are preparing for Halloween. This is also the time of year when many broadcasting stations air scary movies in preparation for the upcoming holiday. I was once a fan of such genre. I would plaster the walls of my room with movie posters and magazine clippings...Freddy Kreuger....Jason Voorhies...Michael Meyers...I guess that age has hardened me to not be quite so terrified at the sight of a masked man lurching along slowly with arms outstretched....or prehaps it was my dating life that did it...or those drunken frat parties I attended...same difference...mask and all. So...in honor of this month and the celebration of Samhain (sow-in) as it's origins are...I have come up with Simple Practical Ways to Avoid Being Killed...while camping...babysitting....making out....showering....and having sex.....Enjoy!- 1. Camping - There are many dangers in the woods...grizzly bears.....fall hazards...fire...drunken redneck hunters with poor eyesight....Man-bear-pig....Dick Cheney...It seems though, according to Hollywood anyway, that the greatest threat is a homicial maniac with a need to kill based on a less than perfect childhood and a lack of communication skills. Imagine if you will, Hellen Keller with a machette. I made a few notes about victims an survivors and believe that I have found a solution. First of all...keep your running shoes and clothing handy at all times. Most victims seem to run barefoot and half naked through dark woods...constantly losing their footing and ending up with an axe in their forehead. Also take care as to keeping new batteries in your flashlight...you know...for that instance when you decide to go into that ominous looking cave to investigate that creepy noise. Do not form attachments to your campmates. So many victims end up dead by not wanting their boyfriend...bff....or sibling...to be left alone with the killer. Drive a decent car to the campsite. A Smart Car is not too smart if the damn battery dies while you are trying to escape the guy wielding the chainsaw. The best advice for this situation is just to carry a weapon...when the crazy man shows up...shoot his ass and get back to your smores.....if he is some psuedo undead thing...then add him to the campfire after you shoot him...burn baby burn...also effective on zombies...but we are not discussing them right now.
- 2. Babysitting - The real danger here usually comes from the children themselves. But in Hollywood style, we must look at the dangers of a dark house and parents that did not invest in ADT Home Security. Check the location of the home you are going to be "sitting" in. Avoid houses on the outskirts of town with woods or open fields adjactent to the property. Lock all the doors and windows. Check the closets while it is still daylight and make sure there is a phone available that is not a landline. The parents my question your sanity at the very suggestion of you keeping a handgun on your person while sitting for their child, but assure them that this is for the safety of both the child and the boyfriend that you will allow to get to 2nd base with later in the evening. Avoid ordering food that will leave you expecting a knock at the door. Have a vehicle handy and just like in the woods...make sure the damn thing will crank! If a vengeful maniac shows up...lock his ass in the house and drive the kid to the local police department. Nuff said...
- 3. Showering - More people die every year from falls in the shower and electrocution than cross-dressing momma's boys...but still...here are some tips. It is never a good idea to shower alone in some creepy run-down hotel in the middle of nowhere. Use that emergency credit card and rent a room in a decent place. It will not kill you to upgrade to at least a room at the Holiday Inn....but it might if you are a cheapo and stay at the Bate's Motel!....And for heaven's sake lady...PAY ATTENTION WHILE YOU SHOWER!!...how can you not hear the door open or notice someone in the room? If all else fails...use the "buddy system".
- 4. Having Sex and/or Making Out - It goes without saying that privacy is key when a guy is trying to score with his amourous date. The trouble comes in when his idea of "private" is a secluded wooded area or an abandoned house in a not so desireable neighborhood. If you decide to use these locations for your "hook-up" please do not be a virgin. Your chances of dying at the hand of a mad man triple if you have never had sex. This may just be a way for early Hollywood to push the youth of our nation towards abstinance...but why risk it. Multi-task...keep an eye on the surroundings while being blissfully engaged in your erotic moment. A parked car is a favorite of the mentally deranged and sexually frustrated. Make-out spots in the movie industry tend to be speckled with the blood of the "under the shirt over the bra" coupling. Chose wisely...keep your hands at 2 and 10...and for christ's sake use the damn mirrors!
I hope that my advice helps....saves lives....or at the very least provides some amusement. Now pop some kernels....turn off the lights...cozy up with that special... or readily available someone and take in a flick! Just remember safety first!
My baby is crazy!
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